So it's been three days since B-Day, a more affectionate term for "Break Day".
For once I didn't do anything to drive him away, I didn't do anything wrong and I still end up in a not quite ideal situation. I've never done the break thing, either. I've done the break-up-but-still-want-to-be-with-you thing but not a break. I don't get it and I don't like it. It's such a loose term and I just, I don't feel secure in anything or if I'm even allowed to feel what I feel until we're on, or off even though I hope we don't stay off, the break.
Everything was going great and then this happened and I really don't know why I didn't expect it, things like this always happen to me. Over, and over, and over again.
If summer comes, and I'm still in limbo, I'm not quite sure how I'll react. I just know that I can't be strung along, not again, not ever again.
I just need, I need to know there's hope. Everyone says there is and yet I can't help but wonder if there actually is. Maybe it's the pessimist in me, that little eight year old who has no such ideals as hope and safety, but it's still there, twisting the knife in my heart just a little bit harder and faster.
I want all the confusion to stop, I want to have everything go back to normal, or my idea of what's normal.

I don't like feeling like this, so helpless and hurt. I care about that boy a lot, but it hurts to care.
It hurts to just wake up in the morning and sometimes, I don't know if it's worth it to get dressed. If it's worth it to get up and face all the crap I face every day. It just gets to be a lot sometimes but I know I have to get up and carry on. Staying in bed, alone, and stewing on everything horrific in my past is not how you move on and find happiness, it's how you lose the chance to find it.
I just have to keep remembering it and maybe by the time June comes I'll really believe it.

I need more chocolate.
Breaks confuse me far too much.
WHERE THE HELL IS THE CHOCOLATE!?

It's getting to be that time again, that time in my life where I forget I'm living one.
That bone crushing lonliness is creeping up on me again, but this time it's different. This time it feels so close to what I felt three years ago, that completely isolating pain that skews everything around you.
I don't know where its coming from, or maybe I do. I'm over analyzing and letting it all get to me, again. And it sucks. It majorly sucks. I've tried so hard for so long to stay happy and to be okay and it was working.
God damn it was working and just one week was all it took to bring me right back to square one. I'm feeling out of sorts, out of place, and like I don't belong anywhere.
It's almost as if I'm being tugged in different directions, the direction of regret and going back to a dark place and refusing to move; the direction of happiness and allowing myself to be happy; and the direction of isolation, cutting myself off from everyone and retreating into a shell.
I want so badly to keep moving down that middle path, towards happiness, but I don't know if I'll make it, if I can stay on course. I fall down so much that it's, it's hard to keep standing back up.
If it weren't for friends like Katie and Michele I know that I wouldn't be standing, I'm barely up as it is. I just, I know I have to stop letting it eat me up inside and letting the past sabatoge my present and future. It's so hard to stop it though, the pain gets comforting after a while, the familiarity of it all.
I wish I could say some magic words and make the pain just rush out of my body, but I can't and no one can make it leave for me. I have so many demons and I'm trying to deal, it's just hard when the people you need most to be around and in your corner aren't there.

It's simply getting harder and harder to stay up and afloat, and I'm scared that I'm going to give up and let it swallow me whole like I've done before. I'm scared of the past but I can't face it. I'm not strong enough to face it all the way, not alone.
I guess I just need those people to pop up in my corner, without them I just don't know a thing. I just don't know.

So this is something different for me, Robbie and I have been together for three months today.
I'm shocked in the best way. Usually three months is my cut off, it's when I get antsy and start to pull away but I'm honestly not into that now. I'm totally happy. I mean yeah, we don't see each other much or talk as much as we could, but like I know I wouldn't want to date anyone else right now.
It's pretty much been him since last June when we met. Sure I dated and did some stupid things with guys that I only half way regret, but like it was more for something to do. Physical, not emotional.
If I had been as bold then as I am now, I'm pretty sure I would have done something sooner, made it more clear but c'est la vie. I'm happy to say I'm with someone, that no I'm not free to date you.
Just the other night I had these massive stomach pains, I had to lay down and couldn't get up for an hour they hurt so much, and I instantly reached for the bear he gave me and his sweatshirt, not my bear or anything else. And like I'm not ready to say that I feel more than like for him because it's a slippery slope to get ahead of yourself, say things you don't mean. We're taking this slow, mostly because we sort of have to with distance, but also because it works better. I'm impulsive, and have obviously done things I shouldn't have when following my impulses rather than my brain, so it's best that we have a distance barrier :]
Personally I hope that we keep dating and you know, stay solid. I like thim that much, and that's big for me to say with everything. I guess he doesn't know that yet, what it means for me to say I like someone and to not be scared because Lord knows I have issues with everything, especially relationships. But it is big.
I'm happy to just hold his hand while he rubs his ginormous thumb over mine. That to me is what it's all about, simple things.
So yay for three month and all that entails. I'm finally working past my shit, more so than a hell of a lot of my friends have to work through at such a young age, but I am and I'm happy.

Reasons why I can't wait to leave this place.
1. According to my mother, wanting to look nice means I'm narcissistic.
2. According to my mother, I look like a slut.
3. According to my mother, I have a bad attitude and I"m just insufferable to be around.
4. According to my mother, I'm ugly inside and out.
5. According to my mother, It's slutty of me to want to look nice when I'm not seeing my boyfriend.
6. According to my mother, I'm stupid for having a boyfriend.
7. According to my mother, I'm a huge bitch
8. According to my mother, I'm the worst of the three.
9. According to my mother, She's bought me everything I'm wearing, whereas she's bought nothing.
10. According to my mother, I don't deserve a thing in life.

My mother is a real gem. Oh how I'm going to miss her in two years, just two years, when I leave. I will just be devestated at the fact that I won't have someone always around to demean me and make me feel like I don't deserve to be shit beneath someone's shoes. I'm just going to cry at night over the fact that she's not there to cause it. I'm going to pine for the way she makes everything my fault and how she uses me as a scapegoat for her mistakes. Those are the highlights of my life when she makes my wanting to look nice into me being a slut in too-tight clothes.
It's a wonder that she hasn't won a mother of the year award yet. Absolutely shocking.

It's how I've been feeling since I got sick last week.
Like I'm right below the surface on a sunny day. I can see the sunshine, I can even feel it, but I can't bask in it and I'm fighting so hard to get out from under the current.
I'm most likely just being too sensitive or too much of anything but I can't help but feel the way I feel.

This week in review: So fifteen.